There is a theory that says people will stop telling others what to do and simply do those things themselves when the Apocalypse closes in. Since, there was no large neon sign flashing in the sky last night, thus, we can assume that an Apocalypse is not near. There was lightning, sure, but people say that lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice. The other theory is that we will stop listening to other people and simply think for ourselves when the Apocalypse is near.
It is a good time to get the “5 things to do when the apocalypse is near” list out of the way, while I am still able.
- Confess your love – To every woman you have desired, every man you have desired, every celebrity you wanted in your bathtub, every napkin holder you had a secret crush on (oh, it happens. Someone recently got married to a bridge in France. Waitaminute! Does that mean the apocalypse is…?). Don’t tell anyone you hate them. The end is around the corner. There is no point tugging it closer.
- Get to Zero – The Pharoahs got wiped out, so taking all your money with you for an afterlife is clearly not a good investment tip. Decide the last big bang you would like in your life. Climb the Everest. Pig out at “Fat Duck” in Berkshire, UK (voted the best restaurant in the world). Donate it to the needy (best to rack up brownie points in case the afterlife does exist). The apocalypse would see the worst inflation ever, so you could even watch how quick money would burn (the misinformed few who have done it so far, are all unemployed artists).
- Start from Zero – You should indulge in suggestion number 2 only if you want to get here. You have already seen what all your money can buy. Try the other side of the coin. What would you really want to do if money (and self-respect) were no barrier? Try out Ostrich farming? Have a hundred babies with a hundred different people? Find a jungle and live off it? Go ahead. If you always wanted to be a politician, then jump to suggestion 5.
- Start a religion – There’s nothing like not having to work ever again. First, convince yourself that you are better than everybody else. Next, gather a few S. Sreesanth fans, though the search may be arduous. Use words like “consciousness”, “karma” and “creator”. Convince them that their salvation lies in them doing your bidding. Hand them a list of errands. Tell them that these are their commandments.
- Bear the weight of your secrets – Logically, to know that the end is near, we will receive a sign. What if the message is cryptic? What if the gods chose to speak in a dead language like Neanderthal? What if the translator was having a bad day and “Oog, aa, aa, eep, aargh!” really translates to “Have a nice day”? You don’t want to be the one who shouted “It was me! I created Paris Hilton!” and then have the ominous clouds make way for bright sunshine. Keep the lid on. Just in case.
I didn’t expect this when I started out writing this piece. Now I’m convinced that the Earth would be a tad more interesting place to live in, if a meteor did head our way – people loving each other, people doing whatever they want to do… And then there is always something beyond any limit. After you are done with the 5 things mentioned above, I can offer a last tip. Get in touch with NASA and get onto a spaceship. Get a ringside view and watch the fireworks. Of course you might be bored off your skull floating in the void for the rest off your life but there is a slim chance that you may even find life on another planet! Whatever you do, don’t give them the idea of money. You will surely be back where you started!
Authored by Soumyaroop Majumdar
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Let me be clear I have no obsession with zoebims. a0I would be totally hip to never having to endure the zombie apocalypse, although if you turn into a zombie I’m going to pretend there’s a sign on your head that says be kind double tap and go to town with whatever firearm (or bat or chainsaw) is handy. a0Kind of like these people.